• "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." ---Audrey Hepburn.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Sunday, 03 October 2010

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

  •  

    Sonnet 116

     

    Let me not to the marriage of true minds  

    Admit impediments. Love is not love  

    Which alters when it alteration finds,  

    Or bends with the remover to remove:  

    O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,

    That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  

    It is the star to every wandering bark,  

    Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.  

    Love ’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  

    Within his bending sickle’s compass come;

    Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  

    But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  

      If this be error, and upon me proved,  

      I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

                            ---William Shakespeare

     

    I’d like to hope that this is real, that this actually exists.

     

     

Monday, 27 September 2010

  • You appear just like a dream..

     

    In the darkness of my bedroom I listened to the rain hit my window. It feels like déjà vu.

    Everything is exactly the same. It’s eerie. Nothing feels like it changed.

     

                                                                           

     

     

     

    I’m screaming but no sound escapes my mouth---I’m trapped inside my head. I try to open my eyes again. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to see you in my mind, I don’t want to go through this again---but I can’t run from it. I can’t run from you.

    All these visions are racing through my mind. I see so much and feel like I know so little. It’s all rapidly coming back to me, hitting me fiercely---here it is. It’s here. I’ve been transported back to freshman year.

    I’m crying, I know the ending to this tragedy; why must I go through this again?

    Let me try to change the ending.  

     

     

    I’m standing on the pavement of that highway, pellets of rain pierce my skin, the wind pushes me back as I try to run towards you, Stop that truck! Let me save you. Don’t you hear me? Stop that truck

    There is a sudden silence.

    Every single motion of movement stops and I stare intently at your approaching truck. The wind no longer ties me back, the rain now mutely crashes around me, and I start to run. I can’t gage how much time I have, everything is in slow motion. No, now everything is speeding up.

    What’s my plan? What exactly am I going to do? How am I going to stop that truck?

    Just shut up and run. Hurry.

    The truck approaches the proximity of the pole; I’m almost there—hold on!

    The truck begins to accelerate, it’s going to----Wait! Stop!

     

    Sound comes back. Rain slams on the pavement, every drop echoing like a sobbing child. The wind howls and chokes my throat, I scream. I run. I’m heard. I’m seen.

    I reach the pole seconds before the truck hits it and you see me. I can do this.

    Through that wet dashboard, I watch you pry open those beautiful blue eyes. Fear flashes through those beautiful blue eyes.

    No! This isn’t happening! I can stop this!

    I put my hands in front of me, my back to the pole and push against the velocity of the truck. Every ounce of strength I possess is exerted.

    I’m screaming, praying, wishing, crying, begging.

    Please work. Please stop. STOP!

     

     

    I see it happen.

    I see your truck pass through my body and into the pole.

    I see you in fear.

    I see it smash into pieces.

    I see you hurt. Bleed. Cry. Pray. Beg.

    I see you.

     

    I’m trying to get to you, but the truck has me pinned against the pole. I push against the truck, my hands bleed from the broken metal and glass. I scream from pain---not mine. Yours. I feel your wounds, I feel your thoughts. I feel you.

    I break free and run to your side on the ground. Am I too late?

    Please tell me there’s time for you to be saved. I’ll do anything for you…

    I touch your face, I hold your hand. I’m shaking you. Don’t you see me? Don’t you feel me touching you?

    Answer me! Look at me! Talk to me!

    Help! Someone help me! Someone call 911!

    Joel, look at me. Stay with me, open those eyes, come on, don’t tell me I’m too late.

    I can’t be late.

    I’m not late! Look at me! Please…

     

    Your eyes open. Those beautiful blue eyes open.

    I’m crying, I’m smiling…you’re here. I made it.

    Stay with me, they’ll be here in a minute. They’re going to be so happy. This is it; this is your second chance

    You look right through me. Am I invisible?

    You take a deep breath and gasp. Wait, no, no, this isn’t it---hold on, Joel, please!!!

    Your eyes begin to droop. Stay! Don’t go, oh dear God, don’t go!

    Your lips quiver. Please!

    Your

    …dead.

     

    I scream. This time my voice exceeds the wind and the rain.

    Tears flood my pale cheeks, my arms hold you, my blood-stained hands touch your delicate face.

     

    What am I going to tell, Jenn? She’s going to hate me.

    What am I going to your Mom and Dad and brother? They’ll hate me too.

    What am I supposed to tell everyone? That I couldn’t save you? It’s my fault.

    Again, I failed.

    I keep failing every time I try. I don’t know how many more chances I’ll have.

    What if this was my last try?

    When will I finally get it? When will I be able to bring you back? When will you be able to laugh, live, and be with us again? When?

    Forgive me, dear God, forgive me. I beg you, give me one more chance---I just need to get there a bit sooner…one more chance…

    I’m sorry…

    I’m sorry, Joel. I’m sorry, Jenn.

    I’m so… sorry.  

     

                                                                           

     

     

     

     

    My pillow is wet and warm. I lie motionless. No light has broken up the darkness in the room. And you appear just like a dream.  

     

                                           joelforever 

      11/16/1990 – 9/27/09 Joel Moliero

Sunday, 26 September 2010

  • I miss our friendship so much. I know you have forgiven me but it doesn't change my hope that someday things will go back to the way they used to be. I miss the old you, the real you.

  • What is forbidden is always tempting. Control is a necessary evil.

    Sonnet 129

    Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame
    Is lust in action, and till action, lust
    Is perjured, murd'rous, bloody, full of blame,
    Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
    Enjoyed no sooner but despisèd straight,
    Past reason hunted, and no sooner had,
    Past reason hated as a swallowed bait
    On purpose laid to make the taker mad;
    Mad in pursuit, and in possession so,
    Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
    A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
    Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
      All this the world well knows, yet none knows well
      To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.
     
    --William Shakespeare
     
     

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

  • He was the boyfriend, without actually having the title.

                I was selfish in our friendship.

                I loved the way you made me feel. I felt so unconditionally loved, accepted, beautiful and appreciated. It didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing, I had you with me to make the moment brighter. I never worried when you were around, and if something was wrong---you were the first person I would count on.

                Now, reflecting on our relationship, I’ve acknowledged and accepted that I was incredibly selfish. I took, took and took without ever having the slightest thought of giving back to you. I was so self-absorbed in how you made me feel, that I never wondered how great it would be for you to feel a fraction of what you always did for me.

                For that, I am truly sorry. I can’t explain to you how awful I feel about myself for doing this to you. I was wrong.

                This “selfish” realization made me wonder if I was doing this to other people in my life and I came to this conclusion: I have not.

     

                Although this should not be an excuse, I took everything that you gave me because you offered it. You made yourself available. Because you were interested in pursuing a relationship, in which you knew I only wanted friendship, you continued to give and share things with me because you had hope that eventually I would want what you wanted for us.

                But it never happened.

                For the longest time I thought I really liked you, but the reason why I never pushed our relationship to the next level was because you were missing an element that is crucial in my life. Yet, after seeing you today, I realized that maybe the only reason why I thought I liked you was because you were behaving like a boyfriend without actually owning the title.

                No guy friend of mine can be compared to you, I keep wishing that our friendship can go back to the way it was---but it won’t. You’re not going to be as sentimental, accepting and intuitive as you were before because you know I can no longer be a relational prospect.

                As much as this saddens me because I’ve lost one of the best friendships of my life…I’m proud of you, for finally accepting that we really could never be more than friends. I’m also accepting that perhaps we didn’t have a friendship. Perhaps, I took your persistent efforts as friendship when in actuality they were just the only way in which you could still have me in your life.

     

                Slowly but surely, I’m accepting that you will just be another lesson learned. I apologize for hurting you so severely, but you came into my life when I was incredibly young and naïve, a time in which I had little regard to how delicate a heart could be. I promise to always think of you fondly, and pray that you find someone who can give you tenfold what you gave me.

Saturday, 18 September 2010

  • A happy girl

    I think I’ve figured out how to make my heart smile.

               

                For one, I think balance has a lot to do with it. Know what’s interesting? Is that I never would have thought about this if it wasn’t for my pen-pal, Huey.

                I’m learning a lot through our friendship and this is one of my latest lessons. I’ve realized that I need a change and the only way that is going to happen is if I do it myself. Meaning, if I’m sick of studying or working—I have to be the one who takes a break while also learning not to put so much on my plate. I keep stretching myself thin because I’m trying to please so many people but how can you please someone else if you can’t even please yourself?

                You simply can’t.

                Which is why one of my goals this semester is to find a balance, between my work, academic, social and personal life. I can’t keep telling people that “I’m busy” because everyone probably has their hands just as full. It’s time to stop excuses and find the balance.

     

                Secondly, I’ve reconnected with something that ran away from me, and I didn’t notice it until it was gone: My confidence.

                This past week I had a conversation with my best friend about how unhappy I was in my own skin. How I hated looking at myself and seeing this and that—pinpointing all these faults that needed corrections. I looked at her and asked, “When did this happen? Since when did I let my insecurities affect me this much? I’m not this girl”

                I’m not really sure when, how or why it happened but it did and a couple of days later I realized something. I’ve never been perfect and I never will be, I’ve never had rock-hard abs, I’ve never been a size zero. I’ve never had flawless skin, and I’ve never had tamed hair. Yet, I once managed to overlook all these flaws and accept myself. Why? Because I was happy.

                I think I sometimes get so caught up in wanting more, more, more that I don’t appreciate all the greatness that I have right in front of me, and when that happens, you look past what already makes you happy in hopes to find more. It’s ambitious but…ridiculous, because if that’s the case---you will never be happy.

                Audrey Hepburn used to say that happy girls were the prettiest girls and I can’t help but agree with her. I’ve met so many women that are not necessarily ‘model-status-gorgeous’ but are attractive because they simply smile. Just looking at them, you feel their bubbling energy—you feel their happiness.

                If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that confidence isn’t something that is present 24/7. You’ve got to work at it, tackle through it, mellow it, show it---but more importantly, believe it.

     

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